Friday, October 29, 2004
once upon a time...
"...well, I 've thought about our relationship over and over again lately. i think that it was over when you cheated on me... even though we still have love, it's too late to get back together. i'm not strong enough to be with you. so we made a right choice and it's the best for us to be apart. hope you will understand my feeling..."
it feels so final.
is it final?
it is final.
i guess it's time to give up.
but i'm not too good at letting go.
i want to hold on.
can't we hold on?
i feel sad for us :(
i had a bunch of dreams last night. don't quite remember them this morning cause of a stuffy head. but i do remember being all dressed up for something with no place to go. for some reason i was in formal attire but was missing socks with my leather shoes... it's funny what you remember... WAKE.
last night i dreamed that i was courting some beautiful stranger. i could see/feel her so vividly. short curvy body, long black/brown hair, roundish face, with big eyes. have we met before? i'm not sure. i will leave out the details of what happens next. but it was a good dream. WAKE.
dreamed that i was at a convention with a bunch of strangers in some big hotel. we were all wandering around looking for the right convention room, but we couldn't find it. we walked up the stairs to the upper floor and met up with some coordinator guy there. he welcomed us to the conference and told us to go downstairs to join the breakout meeting rooms. we went back downstairs but those rooms had some other silly meetings there. some of the conventioneers started raiding the other meetings' food booths and such. it was all a waste of time. what am i looking for? why am i here? WAKE.
the phone card adventures...
ok. it's friday night. late night. around 2 am and man, am i still wired. i just had a pitcher and a half of heinekens at mai tais with friends and then strangers. i got my head rubbed by some big local titas, and i bought a birthday shot for a married 22 year old who's swinger husband just happens to be hanging out with her. cool guy. he introduces me to his wife and girlfriend. the secret to woman, he says is complement and confirmation. it's not about buying drinks, but about telling a woman that she's beautiful. damn, i seemed to have failed that class. but that's another story. so here i am all wired tonight. wide awake. it's been a slow work week. and a busy work day. i watch some tv, and check some mail. i burn a music cd, and read the mail again. you never get enough mail sometimes. i feel edgy. but in a different way. not quite as miserable as my past edgy nights. i come to a conclusion: i want to call you. the time is just right, but i don't have a phone card. the last one i got was a while ago. i slide on some shorts and head out into the night like a crazed addict looking for trouble. first i head to that korean store with the best phone cards. right around the corner from here. i jump in the card and drive to the shop. closed. all lights out. i keep going straight towards the waikiki 7/11. it's a rough place at this time of night. the wave crowd is drunk and out on the prowl. i make my way cautiously to the counter.
we have no phonecards, she says. try any hotel lobby or daiei. daiei! that's right next to my apartment! i start to drive back. at daiei i scope out the counters. it's a different place at 2:30 in the morning. a sorry, sad place. don;t these people sleep? i'm sorry the lady says. we don't sell any cards now. but we do have a rip-off phone card machine there near the atms. i check out the machine. it's emtpy light is on. tough break. all i wanted to do was make a call. i guess it wasn't mean to be. as i walked out of daiei. the rain started to pour. and pour. i drive back home with nothing but another posting for the blog. just to clear my head a bit. i guess i could try again tomorrow. can this call wait? thanks for reading :)
i woke up at 3:30 last night and could not get back to sleep...
not enough time for dreams. just alot of tired thinking. late night tired thinking is the worst kind. give me sleep tonight...
here's a three part CY dream from a few nights ago.
(warning: graphic material)
am in a car with CY driving around in the dark. had to park in some grungy old building garages. can see people trying to break into my car, but they can't. worried about parking it there, but do. is it still there?
am on the couch now with CY. we start to make love. i take off all your clothes and kiss your body. i go down. you start to climax and cum in my mouth, but it is a strange bitter taste. i turn my head to the left and spit it out. i WAKE up for a bit and find mself spitting on the pillow.
we went shopping somewhere and walk down the hall with lots of grocery bags. halfway in the hallway a tall skinny guy meets us and says: i'll take it from here... he takes the bags and CY leaves with him. i feel sad... WAKE.
so many questions tonight...
so many questions every night...
i just finished reading the feast of love by charles baxter at starbucks ward today. it was my last business trip airport reading. had a good eight hours of reading time at lax airport yesterday :)
here's a touching chapter 2, paragraph 1:
"every relationship has at least one really good day. what i mean is, no matter how sour things go, there's always that day. that day is always in your possession. that's the day you remember. you get old and you think: well, at least i had that day. it happened once. you think all the variables might just line up again. but they don't. not always. i once talked to a woman who said, "yeah, that's the day we had an angel around."
when was our day?
when was yours?
i love this dialogue from "eternal sunshine for the spotless mind" a charlie kauffman screenplay directed by michel gondry. jim carey is joel barish walking along the beach pondering alone:
....sand is overrated.
it's just tiny little rocks.
if only i could meet someone new.
i guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished.
seeing that i am incapable of making eye contact with a woman i don't know.
maybe i should get back together with naomi.
she was nice.
nice is good.
she loved me....
the movie kinda grew on me.
it was our first to last dvd. a great film.
last dallas posting:
an evening with big tex.
the texas state fair is truly grand,
but i must say that it is good to be back home :)
number of the day: 5
(as in 5 double stoli rocks at dave and busters for the sabre conference outting in dallas, texas... boy am i bus...)
(song in my head in texas)
Song: Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes
(Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind Soundtrack)
Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you
I need your lovin'
Like the sunshine
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime...
posting from dallas part 2...
it's fucking 4:30am in texas and i can't get to sleep. a half hour til midnight in honolulu. i feel edgy. stuck in a hotel room with a restless mind. i was thinking of you. all trip long. on the plane. in the airports. in this hotel room. in the dark. is it suppose to be like this? i am afraid to turn of the lights. my thoughts and memories become more real in the darkness. i could almost feel you under the thick blankets here. got to turn on the light~
and jot down another thought on this blog and clear my head.
sleep tight now :)
posting from dallas, texas!
my travel reading book: the feast of love by charles baxter.
"...what's agitating about solitude is the inner voice telling you that you should be mated to somebody, that solitude is a mistake. the inner voice doesn't care about who you find. it just keeps pestering you, tormenting you... you look up from reading the newspaper and realize that no one loves you, and no one burns for you. the workings of nature are mysterious, but they do account for a certain amount of despair among single persons, the irrelevance you sometimes feel..."
hi dee ho!
"oh i'm lookin' for my missin' piece. i'm lookin' for my missin' piece. hi-dee-ho, here i go, lookin' for my missin' piece..."
had another CY dream. i was looking for you in this busy dark building. a club maybe? a school? there were many people everywhere. i find you and grab your hand and we walk out. coworker kevin is waiting for us outside in the parking lot. he is driving my honda. for some reason, 3 police cars were there surrounding my car. suddenly kevin reverses the car and drives off in a cloud of smoke leaving us behind... where the hell are you going man? WAKE.
i dreamed about you last night love. i was holding your hand and we were walking into this old old building (a big hotel/apartment maybe?). it was dark and gloomy. as we were walking up some stairs, i remember you turned around and said to me: i'm sorry choak, it's too late now... and i was sad. WAKE.
on a side note: i did wake up with your cold today~