that's funny...
i was doing so well earlier this morning.
but now i've got that sinking feeling in my chest.
my heart's somewhere in my stomach or something.
but i still thank you, love.
thank you...
thank you...
thank you...
i had this dream a week ago.
i had to debate on writing it down~ it's pretty graphic
(be warned)
am hanging out in a living room on black leather sofas with ST and a naked, drunk, sleeping M. for some reason ST suggests that we have sex with sleeping M. she is groggy but kinda aware. he decides to go first. i sit there and watch him. he finishes and asks me to go, but i was a bit disgusted already and decline.
scene changes. i later find M in another living room area now awake but still naked. we start to talk about things. i was kinda disappointed with her. during the chat, for some reason i reach down and touch her between her legs and find ST's cum dripping into my hand. i was kinda grossed out and worried. i rushed to the sink to wash my hands. ST was there. i said, "how could you shoot in her man? that's dangerous." he says, "don't worry~ i haven't made a girl pregnant in 10 years, man." i was pretty sad and grossed out.
i went back and chat with M. she tried to change the topic and tells me that she went couch shopping earlier today. i pointed to the green one and said, did you get that green one? she says no, i go the other one... WAKE.
strange, twisted, dream.
strange, twisted, mind.
ok. i beat the urge to get an ipod, but i settled on a new korean mp3 flash player for coffee-readings. i ventured into 6 shops to get some new premium ear-buds for it too.
i'm just a creature of desire...
(song in my head):
KEANE Lyrics
"We Might As Well Be Strangers"
I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well
I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know
last night i dreamed that AT was spooning me with a big warm back-hug (just like the way chisato always did). it was early morning and time to wake up for work, but i didn't want to wake up in the dream. it was too comfortable here. AT/chisato started pulling on the blanket and my toes were exposed to the cold morning air. i had to tug back on the sheets to cover up my feet. we laughed a bit in the dream. but i woke up sad. WAKE...
damn it woman,
i miss you...
i don't know what more to say.
i spent this whole damn week in a breakup and workover-load mode, but all i'm trying to stress about this time is should i get the ipod mini or ipod 20gig. its been hard. i've been in deep thought. i could not eat (much). i could not sleep (well). i've had countless talks with many friends and uncaring strangers about the ipods. i've visited 3 stores and many online vendors. i've read tons of reviews and user comments. and yes. it's sad.
i'm sad.
i know that. what the hell am i doing? did i fuck up? bad? i don't know. but at this point. i at least know that i will get the 20gig due to the batt life and extra memory value. but now, i don;t know if i even want to buy it. i desire it. it takes my mind off things. but maybe i don't need it now. i am gonna be strong enough? i'm not sure. time will tell.
i'm waiting for next distraction...
here's a strange 2 part drama dream from a couple of nights ago:
1.
had moved into this old grungy apartment somewhere with a stranger for a roommate. i was sleeping there in bed, minding my own business when someone was knocking on the outside door. i went to check and saw a couple of kids asking for the roommate guy. i opened the door and found a whole bunch of big punks rushed in and charged the roommates room. they were some sort of bail bond hunters/vigilante like "dog" after this criminal guy. a couple of the kids went into my room and started messing with my stuff and i got wary, but the big guy came back into the room and explained that everything was ok now cause they were the good guys...
2.
i get a call from allan saying that he was going to the club with a few girls and wanted me to join. i agreed, but shut my eyes for a bit of rest and completely crashed out. i woke up really late and got ready and ran out to the meeting spot at this picnic table on the hill. allan drives by with alicia and a few other girls in the car. he steps out and asks what happened. i said that i had a rough night because of the disturbances earlier. he said the club was pretty good and gives me an omiyage bag from the club, and starts to drive off. i was sad that i missed it. i started walking back home, but could not find my phone. i rush to the table, but phone my phone in the omiyage bag all along... WAKE.
man.
it's been a crazy/intense week.
i need more time to find the right words for this.
to be continued...
(your song)
ColdPlay: Parachutes
In a haze A stormy haze
I’ll be ‘round I’ll be loving you
Always... Always...
Here I am And I’ll take my time
Here I am And I’ll wait in line
Always... Always...
